A Brand New Ending

"Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending"...Carl Bard

What a great meditation for the beginning of a new year. Or the beginning of a new day. Or the beginning of the rest of your life.

This really does make sense even for a single day. You can't get out of bed and start the day again, but you can take a deep breath and make the rest of the day end differently than it otherwise might have. What a great way to think about angry, sad or just plain crappy moments. They don't have to dictate the rest of the day. And then extrapolate this out for a week, month, year or lifetime. That's a very Buddhist concept. You have what you have in this moment. Nothing else exists. Until the next moment.

For me, I"m thinking long term and these are things I think about working on every day to achieve a brand new ending:
* Healthier eating/drinking habits (and being nice to myself in the process).
* I'm still working on being nice to my (now achey) shoulder.
* Being the parent I want to be.
* Believing in myself.

(Yes I realize these are all over the board, but that's the way the brain works).

I hope everyone has a great and differently ending Tuesday.

Being nice to yourself (or even parts of yourself)

I was in yoga class today and my shoulder was stiff and hurting. I was having trouble lifting my right arm all the way up. I have been very annoyed at my shoulder lately, well angry. But it hit me, maybe I should try being nicer to my shoulder. Maybe I should try some loving kindness toward it. Maybe it will get stronger faster better if I'm not holding tension somewhere in my body due to my anger. Maybe the anger at my shoulder is really displaced anger at myself in general. Maybe it's just misplaced all together. So I decided everytime my shoulder hurt and I couldn't do something, or couldn't move it the way I wanted, instead of thinking, negative thoughts about the sorry state of shoulder and arm, I could address myself acknowledging that like the compassion I have for others, I can have compassion for myself and even for my creaky, twinging, uncooperative shoulder. And so I did. Did it make my shoulder hurt less, probably not, but I felt better not trying to control it or to think it should feel differently than it did. I do think it allowed me to appreciate it as my shoulder warmed up and gained a little mobility, and it allowed me to be more present in the class (which of course is the point of yoga). So I'll even say thank you to my shoulder today, it probably deserves a break.

2010 (Part 2): Focus on What's Important

What's Important for Me to Focus on in 2010:

* My health, physical, emotional, and mental. That means stress reduction, exercise, smart choices. Guilt free taking care of myself.

* Speaking up. It may come out in my obtuse diplomatic way, but it will come out. I will then work on being more direct (I have many people to learn from in this regard!).

* Balance. Allowing myself to create a balance of work, kids, family, friends, me, that works for me and my family. I always seem to have more to do than I have energy for or that I realistically can. Boundaries are hard.

* Being kind to myself (and others). The "myself" part of this is much harder than being kind to others, but is equally as important.

* Prioritize, prioritize, prioritize. This will help with all of the above.

Hm, notice any trends? Yeah me too. So off I go into 2010. Looking forward to work (Derby Lite), health, and joy (coming from balance and kindness). I'm excited about this year. I'll let you know how it works out.

2010 (Part 1): Be Grateful for 2009

Ok, in a run up for what I'm doing to prepare for 2010, I thought I might post what I have been most grateful for in 2009. (NOT listed in order of significance)

1. Derby Lite
So much to say....the women, the structure, the fun, the fitness, the business..... I could ramble for quite a while. Let's just say it was good, and I passed my 2 year mark on skates.

2. My Friends
I have developed several very strong friendships in the past couple of years, and I had friends who were really there for me this year. I love them all and appreciate them so much. Many friendships have come from Derby Lite (you guys rock, you know), and others from the 'hood.

3. My favorite trainer
My favorite trainer is very talented and very sweet. She's kept my shoulders and knees from going off the deep end, and showed me that consistency really does pay off. And she keeps making it harder. Which I love/hate, but mostly love. (I can do pilates type exercises correctly!!)

4. The ability to see new things in myself and in my world.

5. My girls. They are wacky, creative, smart and downright troublesome. They are awesome.

6. Living right here, right now. Yup.

It's a New Year (again)

My friend, Scarlett O'Hatchet's post on facebook about focus areas for 2010 reminded me that I had posted something here about goals for 2009. (I'm surprised I actually remember that, by the way). Here's the shortcut version of how I did, or how the year did, or something:

1. Make life less complicated: Well there's always next year. Seriously this is hard! Several things have conspired to continue to make life complicated, most importantly I am now a co-owner of Derby Lite, LLC and that has become time consuming and schedule crunching in odd ways. But good ways, so maybe I can live with complicated for now and just continue to prioritize.

2. Do exercise I enjoy first, and then do the stuff I do because I should: SUCCESS. I am now committed to more physical activity than ever before, and I like it. I anticipate skating 2xs/week, yoga (with friends) once a week, and I'm on a fairly good schedule of weights and core twice per week. More cardio wouldn't hurt, but.....

3. Enjoy my girls: This is tricky. They are getting older and so discipline is always changing. But I think this was a good year for enjoying my two completely different daughters. I heartily recommend getting help with the hard parts (from wherever you can find it...friends, teachers, relatives, etc.).

4. Oh, and wear more sparkly shorts: Mission Accomplished!

I will post about 2010 later after I figure out what comes next and what my goals are for next year. I think I've mastered #4, so now have to think of something else to fill that spot.

Christmas 2009

How was it different than past years?

* I did most of the shopping online: Amazon, Garnet Hill (killer deal on thick cotton fleece throws), American Girl, etc.
* I waited to wrap until the morning of the 22nd and then did it all in the back of the basement. I am so much more productive in the morning. Trying to wait until kids were in bed to wrap was not working for me.
* I went back to sleep after the present opening on Christmas morning. I think I was woken up at least 4 times by children and was exhausted. I didn't make Christmas breakfast.

How was it the same?
* I was worried I wouldn't get packages mailed, cards addressed and in the mail, gifts wrapped, groceries bought in time for Christmas. I did.
* The girls were very excited. And bored by 2pm (I almost lost it, like usual too).
* I totally crashed the day after Christmas.

I'm not quite ready to get the bins out of the garage to take down the tree, but I'm getting there. And then it's just 358 days until we do it again.

I hear ya!

Occasionally, I really do need to stop and listen. Today was well orchestrated. Kids home from school, pick up sitter at 10am, get eyebrows waxed 10:30, shop for Christmas Eve and Day dinners at grocery store, drop off groceries at home, go to gym at precisely 1pm, drop off sitter at 2:00, take kids to movie (The Princess and the Frog, which I might add I've been told has a take charge princess which is better than lazy Sleeping Beauty). Screeeeeeech. Nope. First I have to scrape the snow off the car, I used the automatic ignition to warm up the car to help clear the snow off. Opened the car door, put the key in the ignition, closed the door. Click. Car is locked with my purse, keys and phone in it and it's running. Oh, and of course the house is locked. Luckily my neighbor M was just leaving and offered to let us stay in her house (so I could see the car running) to wait. I also used her phone to call Ken Doll. And after I organized myself and between K and I called all the people I was supposed to see in the next 45 minutes, he called a locksmith who appeared within 10 minutes of being called (seriously). It took the locksmith all of 4 minutes to get into my car. It took him at least twice that long to write up the sales check and run the credit card. So my well orchestrated plan was out the door, and re organizing seemed like way too much work for my stressed brain, so I decided to heed the universe and slow down for the day. G and I went to the grocery store and we're going to an earlier movie (me, 4 girls, a nanny and 1 year old....should be fun).

Yeah, sometimes things do not go the way we plan.

Rolling to a Complete Stop

Last Thursday we practiced leaning: two skaters leaning in toward each other each pushing in with their shoulders and upper arms and out with their feet. If both push hard enough you can come to a complete stop. I feel like I am leaning leaning leaning, and slowing waaaaaaaay down.

Last night was A's 8th birthday slumber party: 4 guests, plus my two girls. Crafts, pizza, movie, cake and lots of trying to not go to sleep. I was amazed by the lack of drama, tears, yelling, etc. It went very smoothly. A started the night off when they were making cards, by announcing that each girl would pick a name and make a card for that girl, and hide it under her pillow. Totally her idea, and I thought it was great. They were a little loud but I did sleep (and so did they eventually).

But I am completely, totally and utterly zonked today. So I'm thinking it's more than the party itself. Maybe the run up to it (which really wasn't that much), plus the overriding feeling of needing to get ready for Christmas. I haven't decorated the house yet and we haven't gotten a tree yet, and I'm having trouble finding the energy to do any of it. Blah, I say, blah. Maybe I can find the Christmas spirit somewhere. Maybe it's in a closet. I'll have to go look. Later.

My life as an American Grown Up Girl

Yesterday as part of the two week birthday bonanza for A (she's turning 8 tomorrow!) was a trip to the American Girl store in Chicago. We had never been there before, although we have our share of AG "stuff" (dolls, clothes, single shoes looking for a mate, etc.). We went to tea and I told each girl that they could buy one accessory or outfit.

The dining room was well decorated (black, white and hot pink), not crammed to capacity, with excellent service and ok food (in some cases tied to the stories of the girls). When you bring your doll it gets its own seat at the table and its own cup and saucer (they live the good life). The attention to detail throughout the store was really remarkable (to me anyway). The historical character dolls and dolls of the years have their own stories, books, dvds and computer games (not to mention clothing and accessories). The Just Like You Dolls (many varieties of hair color, eye color, skin color, etc.) have almost every theme imaginable available in clothing and accessories (sports, events, holidays, bedtime, etc., etc., etc.). They do have a roller skating package including helmet, pads, and rollerblades: Oh, so close!

I liked the hair salon with the little pink salon chairs with belts so the dolls don't fall out (although that was the most chaotic part of the whole store, although you do get a hair care card when you get a hairdo at the salon), the doll holders in the bathroom stalls so the dolls aren't rolling around on the floor, and all of the variety and quality of books (we got Mini Mysteries and each girl got a character book: Julie Saves the Eagle and Kit Kittredge and the Zoo Mystery (or something like that). I also really liked the little scenes they set up for the each of the historical girls using real items or good reproductions of things in the book that the girl would have had. Julie, the girl from the 1970s had a cassette tape player (I had one!!!!), a bean bag chair (I had one!!!), a Brady Bunch Christmas record (yes a "record") (I had one!!!), and other cool things I became too totally overwhelmed to remember. Oh you can get your doll's ears pierced, but they don't do tattooing, and they don't offer a mohawk in their hairstyles, G and I thought this would broaden the market considerably, but I doubt AG would agree...

It was in fact completely overwhelming, but for once, in a kind of good way. I like the quality and the depth of the storylines. But of course, it wouldn't be America without just having too much of a good thing. Who can make gazillions of dollars convincing a kid that they have enough and just to revel in the character? We will go back, but not for a while. And by then, who knows, they may have added roller derby to the sports outfits. Mini-derbyskinz anyone??

Flime Ties When You're Blabbing Hon!

Or Time Flies When You're Having Fun, or Life Goes Fast!

Yes, my sweaters have dried in the past two weeks (I have another load I have to lay flat as we speak), we've had Halloween (a drawn out yet fun weekend of 3 parties, Trick or Treating and post trick or treating get together with friends), Derby Lite has half moved to a new space and is dealing with many coincidentally timed administrative events (and it's not fun stuff), I have a dress to wear to the event of the month (Derby Lite's 2nd Birthday party), looking to skating with the girls in the first Derby Lite Friends and Family Skate at D'Lite House (coincidentally timed to be exactly two years from our first practice), and am contemplating my upcoming month of arts events (seriously, I don't see concerts or shows for a year and I had one this weekend, 3 in the next week and a half, and two more coming up), and I'm continuing to skate and do yoga, and work out. Oh yeah, and we have the holidays coming up, right?

So things are busy. Mostly good, but busy. I've been reflecting on the past couple of years lately, many reasons to do that, but sorry, not bloggable. (I know, I've been told I'm a tease). And realize how important they have been to me. I think my 30s were a time of stability for me. I got a grown up life and my main focus was working, until I had kids (late 30s). My forties have been a time of figuring out who I am, minus much of the work identity (which literally got me through my late 20s and 30s), plus kids, plus what else is there?? And along came some great women (on and off skates), and Derby Lite. I didn't know what I was looking for. But of course it's more complicated than that. I had to be ready for it when it appeared. And I guess, now I'm still getting ready, just not quite sure for what. But I'm hoping my eyes, ears and heart will be open when life starts talking to me.

In the meantime, life flies by. Sweaters to dry, garages to clean out, kitchens to clean (yet again), kids to raise, etc. etc. etc.

Winter Laundry

If you know me at all, you know I find laundry a tedious, overwhelming and heinous chore, only made bearable by the fact that I like clean clothes. As I was doing laundry today I realized why winter laundry is even worse than summer laundry.

1. More layers = more clothes in the laundry= more loads.
2. Socks (enough said).
3. Bigger clothes (jeans, etc.) = more loads
4. Even more "dry flat" labels. I do not posess endless horizontal space on which to nicely lay out blouses and sweaters that need to "dry flat".

I have taken over the hall bath (aka the girls' bath) with my "delicates". Maybe in my next life I will request a huge finished laundry room with a minimum of 20 feet of counterspace and another 20 feet of hanging space. (I didn't mention that every possible hook and rod is covered with undies, bras, tights, derbyskinz, cami's and things that don't have to dry flat but can't go i the dryer....) For now, I just have to hope the girls don't trample my clothes.

Uh, and no, you don't need a bath tonight, you can wait until my sweater dries!

My Blog World

I am a creature of habit and of people. I only read a few blogs and they are written by women about various aspects of their lives. It's not that I don't think other blogs would be interesting or worth reading, I just tend to be really interested in people, and generally people I know. I caught up on 3 blogs today (all of which are listed below) and was really impressed with the writing and the thoughts. They all brought something to me and contributed to the swirl already dancing in my brain this morning. What's interesting is how they are ostensibly about very different topics and written by women I know in very different ways. One is by a friend since 8th grade who lives on the East Coast. One is by a skater girl, who has a very unique voice (both on and off her blog) who blogs about skating, fitness, food and now the clothing in her closet. And the last one I read today is by someone I don't even know personally. She writes about training for and competing in Ironman Triathalons (and it takes both physical and mental/emotional training!). She's amazing and quite an inspiration, as are my other blogger friends.

I love when I find questions that other people have in their minds that relate to what I'm thinking about/worrying about/stressing over/dreaming about. It's my own personal cyber community so thanks L, Poppy and Irongirl! You've made my day better already. I hope someday I can do the same for you.

Skating Year 3, just like Year 1

Somewhere back in year one of Derby Lite there was an article about us in the local paper. And I think I was quoted as saying the skating was a kind of zen experience (or at least I was thinking that at the time) because it I find I have to focus and have to be present (which as many of us know isn't always, or ever, easy). It's really hard to think about kids or job or anything else while you are concentrating on doing something very specific physically. The one time I got hurt with more than a bruise I was doing something fairly straightforward and realized I wasn't paying attention. I sprained 2 fingers. There is little daydreaming or anxiety thinking when skating. And I think that is why I love skating most.

Yesterday afternoon, I was in a huge hurry to get to practice, not in a great mood. And thinking this isn't "my skating" time because I'm there participating as a part of the "Derby Lite" instructional/management/getting stuff done team for the Park District class. I wasn't getting excited about it. And then Helsa Wayton was there, getting us moving. Even if she "lowered it a notch" it was still hard even before we got on skates. And I like working hard, and I like breaking down how we skate. It didn't matter that this was a beginner class, and that I know how to do crossovers, I found ways to be challenged, and yes, I got to focus. I was able to laugh with fun women. My mind cleared. I got the same thing out of it I always do and left happier than when I got there. This is why I love skating and love Derby Lite.

I know it's not skating per se that is magical, but we all need something that will let us get out of our own heads. We should all celebrate when we find it. Because finding it, and doing it, no matter what "it" is, is magical. So I'm celebrating skating. What are you celebrating?

Moms just wanna have fun!

I have much more fun than I did a few years ago. I think that's good. I spent the weekend with my oldest friend. We primped, we ate, we shopped, we slept late, we drank wine, and we laughed! It was, in fact, fun. And relaxing.

These days, I go more places, I do more things. Not to mention having more friends and spending more time with them. As a mom, wife, chief cook and bottle-washer it can be hard to prioritize fun. But as a queenly woman I know says "if mama isn't happy, nobody's happy". And I think it's so true. We do have many responsibilities in our day to day life. Doing things we love, and being with people who make us laugh, help us deal with the difficulties inherent in all those responsibilities. And let's face it, although those responsibilities can be extremely overwhelming at times, kids grow up fast. And before you know it, that 4 year old who hates it when you leave the house, is going to be a 12 year old who has a very full social life. When they are grown up, who do you want to be? I want to be someone with friends, interests, meaningful work, and someone who still remembers how to have fun.

Derby Lite 3 Years Later

I started skating in November 2007, one of the 13 originals (although I didn't have my skates at the very first practice, I actually sat and watched), and started blogging about Life in the Rolling Lane in July of 2008. I just re-read some of my older posts. Wow. Those two years have gone fast and covered a lot of ground.

Sunday, was THE very first Derby Lite Park District Program skate. We have expanded. I high fived B and said "we have a business". It was an amazing feeling. We started talking to the first Park District in December of 2008. We agreed in principle sometime in the March/April? We gave the Park Districts language to use in their catalogs early in the summer? And then on September 27th. It happened. 15 women all with skates on. Yeay. We did it. It was amazing. And they improved in their very first hour of skating. They were falling and stopping like old hands. It was awesome. And exciting.

I stayed on for the Derby Lite: Original (that's the name for us skaters who have been in Derby Lite for a while and who still operated independently of the Park District) practice. Under Poppy's leadership we practiced a drill that included 2 minutes of lots of little steps, almost like running. I get going too fast though. That's what life has been like in the past year. I run run run run run, and then have to break because I'm going faster than I can handle. Skates and life. Yup, that's the Rolling Lane. And I'm glad it's still rolling out in front of me.

Shhhhh. It's a Secret!

Well, not if I post it here. Sometimes I wish I had an anonymous blog where I could talk about things I think are important, but which, well, I don't want the whole world to know. See a blog is great for level 2. Level 1 is hi, my name is....., I have two kids, live in xxxx, and oh, yeah I like to roller skate. Level 2 is talking about things that actually matter to me as a person, that are important or super funny, or maybe even geeky (imagine that). But if I want to talk about more intimate details of my life, I'm certainly not going to post it here (sorry). Having a blog at all was a huge step for me (previous mindset = omg, if people know too much about me I'm doomed -for any one of 679 mostly non-sensical reasons, but still). So I've gotten over that, and in the process (and in conjunction with having more girlfriends who are strong, smart, fun and all those other things you want in a friend than I've ever had before), I am finally opening up more (to them, to me, to the world). And so now I think, I would love to write about......But it's not going to happen. At least not here. Maybe there will be another anonymous blog. Hmmmm. Gotta think about that.

The Law

Do you ever have extra energy and it becomes a project, or the need to booty block people, or a new rule at home? For some reason, that's me this week. Ok, I only feel the need to booty block people on skates (cut in front of them, go into a plow stop and slow them down, weird, huh?), but I've been all over my kids: new tv rule (I'm so tired of the love of tv ruling my kids' behavior), putting their own laundry away (and if they don't put it away nicely, I'm not folding it anymore) cleaning up so I don't have to spend 2 hours doing it before the cleaning ladies come. I need extra energy to encourage/force them to do things around here. My realization is that if I am the only one who ____________ (insert household chore here: deals with dishes, puts stuff away, manages laundry, etc.) this house will never be neat and organized. I can't keep up with 4 of us. Nor do I want to. So there you have it. I am on a roll!

An Excellent Day

Today was a good day. I have enjoyed slow(er) Sundays the last two weeks as the rest of the week has seemed toooooo busy. Yesterday was two soccer games, a swim class and a block party. When G said she wanted to go home at 7:30, I was right there, and happy for a quiet hour at home.

Today I got up early and read my usual sections of the New York Times . Had coffee, took a shower and went to breakfast with two old friends - previous neighbors. One still lives nearby and we drove together, and the other moved at 25 miles west, so now we meet in the middle at a diner and have Sunday breakfasts periodically. It was really good to see them and to talk, and I ended up thinking "thank goodness for girlfriends". And we all decided more frequent Sunday breakfasts are in order.

Then the two of us local gals hit up Costco (I go there twice a year to stock up on a couple things and it's less overwhelming when I'm not in a hurry and not by myself). And I came home to an empty house. (Ken Doll took the little Dolls to the Field Museum.....yeay!). And I went skating. We had a fun filled practice. Even 10 minutes in hell was only hellish. We did several relay races which are always fun. I STILL can only do a turn stop in slow motion, but my plow stop turn is better so despite my goofy fall I wasn't as spastic at the relays as I have been in the past. Progress is slow, but it IS progress. And mostly it was FUN. And the newbie Derby Liters did a great job.

I came home again, but this time to a full but quiet house. Girls will be kicked off the tv shortly, dinner (frozen leftover enchiladas - awesome) is in the oven. And I'm drinking a Sierra Nevada. An excellent day, indeed.

Lemonades from Lemons

If you read this blog, you'll know that I bonked my car's bumper on another car last week. Yup. Need a new bumper. So that's the lemons. I will be paying for most of it as we had chosen a high deductible. (Ken Doll the economist determines most of these things, and I say "ok" which usually works out). But the lemonade is a complete detail! My one year old car was very sad inside. My 9 year old wanted to sit in a booster because the seat was too icky!! And soon after I got the car, someone banged a door or something into the front wheel panel and left both paint marks and scratches. (These things only happen when a car is new). Apparently they buff the car during the detail which should get out most of the paint and at least reduce the scratches.

So this morning, I get to go pick up my new car. New bumper, newly cleaned, newly buffed. (Sounds like a spa treatment, doesn't it?) And the person who's car I bumped? Never called me. Maybe I didn't scratch their bumper. Maybe I just get karma points for leaving a note. Karma points are pretty good lemonade too.

Now I just have make sure I look all the way around when pulling out of a parking space.

The Class Clown

When I skate I am the class clown, in a New York kind of way. I don't set out to be. But I think when something is hard (like our 20 minute "warm-up" yesterday of squats, footwork, running, etc, or the seemingly impossible skating drills we did -- all thanks to Helsa Wayton). I get just a wee bit snarky. Sarcastically whiny. It's my way of saying "I'm really nervous that I can't do this. If I'm funny maybe you won't get mad at me." (NOT that anyone would be mad at me if I couldn't do something, that's just the wacky lady who lives in my head, I think I'll call her Edna). This is mostly reflexive and reactive. I make my comments to myself (but not really to myself, you know?) and then I work hard. I'm not giving up, nor do I have real bad attitude, just a fake bad attitude. I kind of wish I would just be quiet and work hard. Edna, can you keep it down, please?

In all honesty I should have more confidence. Even if I don't excel at all skills, I do make progress. Why I need to deflect any expectations that I'll be able to keep up or to follow along, I'm not quite sure. Let's list some of the things I thought I'd never be able to do skating and now do with various degrees of agility and skill:

Fall on demand
Walk/run on toestops
Jump
Turn on skates from one direction to the other
Skate outdoors, and deal with minor surface obstacles
Step right in front of someone to block them and not assume I'll fall down
Realize that falling isn't usually that bad
Hit wheels with someone and not fall
Alternating cross overs
Wear shiny shorts

So there you have it, multiple reasons to keep Edna quiet. Maybe I just need to remind myself of all this next time I have to work hard at something on (or off) skates. Edna, please go find someone else's head to live in. I've got important stuff to do.