I think the 22 hours that have elapsed since I thought about writing this post and actually sitting down to do it has been a good thing. Perspective is everything. So what seemed super dark yesterday, might only be medium dark, or maybe even darkly humorous today.
Do you ever have those moments of being totally fed up? And then feel extremely guilty? I call this the dark side of parenting. It doesn't fit in with who I want to be as a parent, but A. asks for grilled cheese for breakfast, and G. asks for guacamole while I'm reading the Sunday paper and drinking coffee. Really, all I want to do(or feel capable of) is to pour a bowl of cereal. Or, I look at the basement disaster which needs to be cleaned up again (seriously, it's a hazmat zone), and I think "I just can't do this" or "It's too much", or "why am I the maid/short order cook/fall guy?" So then I have two choices. Scream like a raving lunatic or do what I often advocate, walk away and breathe. Breathe until I can at least fake being a rational human being. Breathe until I can stop feeling like a horrible parent. Just breathe.
What I don't really understand is what causes these overloads. Sometimes it's cumulative, often it's not - just some random want or need that just pushes me one inch too far into crazy mommy land. Luckily I seem to be able to return to happy mommy land, but man, it can be a little wild.
Last week I spent a while cleaning up the hazmat zone downstairs, and yesterday A. wanted to finish cleaning it (sounds good, right?) I went down there, saw that the girls had taken out a bunch of animals/people/houses/crap and freaked out. I went upstairs. A. followed me and told me she likes cleaning up with me, it's fun (?). That made me feel both guilty and grateful for her little rational-being, and we cleaned up the zone (we're looking to reorganize it to change the function a little). She said, "look how fast this came together". I thought, yeah, you'll make a good mom someday......in the meantime maybe you can help me come back from crazy mommy land when needed.
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3 comments:
You ask, Why does mommy meltdown happen? as if it's a mystery.
I think it's perfectly reasonable to melt down if you are the only person who feels responsible to keep the place clean, and keep people fed, and everyone else regards it as their prerogative to be pigs--demanding hungry pigs.
I have a friend with three kids and a husband who can't pour his own coffee when the pot is at his elbow. She has given up the fight. Their entire house is a no-go zone. When I walk in, I admit my first thought is, Holy crud, girlfriend! but I know her family intimately, so my second thought is, SO CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELVES ALREADY!
I think the only abnormal part here is that you expect yourself to be Saint Theresa and love doing this stuff and love the people who do it to you. I don't know why more moms don't crack!
Signed, Flash, who was too chicken to reproduce!
Doll, you are no different than any one of us moms. WE all crack and god help those around us when we do. My last crack up was in the car on 294South. It happens at the oddest times. Kind of the last straw stuff. Again, God help those around us when we lose it.
All I can say is as long as there are kids and husbands, there will be insanity. It does get easier when they are older though. I can attest to that. So cut yourself some slack, go out to the deck and pour yourself a glass of wine and God help anyone that asks for something during your well deserved happy hour!
Baubo, who reproduced two men, one of whom is all grown up and still alive
Thanks for sharing.....it helps to bring these things into the light and feel less alone (and less crazy!) D.
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