4 Ways to Tuesday: When the Philosophical and Prosaic Meet

Part I

If you ever see me appearing tipsy at 10:00 in the morning, it’s most likely because I am anxious. I have long known that when I am anxious I am very chatty (I can be very very or even very very very very chatty depending on exactly how anxious I feel). At the parent coffee today on the first day of school, it appeared as if I had spiked my morning coffee (which I swear I hadn’t). So what am I so anxious about? Starting a new school year and other parents. That’s about it. So little and so much.

This year, my anxiousness was reduced to being very very chatty. And in some ways it was fun, and in some ways I was seriously afraid I made an a** of myself. It’s the loosening of my tight grip on myself that is so hard to gauge. When do I feel better, and when do I just feel silly? Today I felt silly (was I too loud, too goofy, too talkative??). Are other people horrified? Maybe. Part of me says, of course they are, wouldn’t you be? And part of me says what did I do that was so wrong and if I did so what? But of course the critical voice is much louder in my head than so what voice. So even writing this feels too revelatory at the moment.

I left literally feeling like I had a hangover.

Part II

G and Trina at lunch at Portillos.

Me: So, G would you like me stop asking me questions about school?

G: Yes.

Me: Sometimes when I’m anxious I talk a lot.

G: Yes, I’ve noticed.

Me: And I think I’m kind of anxious about the start of school.

G: Yes, I’ve noticed that too.

Part III

After lunch G decides she really wants to chill out and we come home. I start reading Shambhala Sun magazine (Shambhala is a Buddhist lineage and of course part of a catchy tune “How does the light shine…..). The second article is “Silencing the Inner Critic: The nagging, negative voice of self-judgment…is a powerful affliction best met with courage, kindness and understanding.” The article goes on to say “The judgmental mind is governed by seizing upon the particulars of ourselves and others and mistaking those particulars for the truth.” And in talking about meditation and compassion says “The path invites us to extend kindness to ourselves and all beings and to learn to see a thought as a thought rather than as a description of reality.” Uh, do you mean that because I think critically of myself doesn’t mean that I should be critical of myself?

Part IV

Oh and then I realized I had taken medication that can make me really hyper at times. So maybe the whole chattiness thing was because of that or some combination and not totally because I'm anxious and so hard on myself. AHHHHH. I get it! The message from all sides is : Chill Out. Excellent advice no matter where it comes from.

(This post was edited on Wednesday to reduce the chattiness from Tuesday when it was written.)